Funny Bar Signs and Chalkboard Quotes

A clever chalkboard outside a pub can stop people in their tracks, make them laugh and tempt them through the door. These funny bar signs and chalkboard quotes are ready to use on A-boards, specials boards, home bars and beer garden signs. They are all original lines written for this page, so you can copy them freely, tweak them to suit your venue and refresh your board every week.

The best boards make people smile while still telling them something useful, such as food times, quiz nights or the guest ale. Keep the humour friendly and inclusive, and avoid jokes that encourage heavy drinking.

Funny A-Board Signs to Pull People In

Street-facing boards need to be short and readable from a distance. These lines work well in large letters with a simple doodle.

• Come in and try our beer. It is better than your excuses for not coming in.
• Our Wi-Fi is fast. Our staff are friendly. Our chairs are very sittable.
• Free smiles inside. Drinks are extra.
• Warning: our pub may cause spontaneous good moods.
• Walk in grumpy, walk out with a full stomach and a better attitude.
• Inside: good food, cold drinks and someone else doing the washing up.
• The sofa misses you, but we miss you more.
• Your dog called. It wants to visit our dog-friendly bar.
• Today’s mood: roast potatoes.
• Our Yorkshire puddings are bigger than your weekend plans.
• Step inside. The outside is overrated.
• We have chips. That is the whole sign.

Weather-Themed Chalkboard Quotes

British weather gives you an endless supply of material. Swap your board depending on the forecast.

For rainy days

• Rain outside, roaring fire inside. Easy decision.
• It is raining. Your umbrella deserves a rest.
• Forecast: 100 percent chance of pie.
• Puddles outside, pints and pudding inside.

For sunny days

• Sun is out. Beer garden is open. Sun cream is your responsibility.
• Vitamin D and a cold drink. Doctor’s orders, probably not.
• Shorts weather has arrived. So has the ice.
• The beer garden called, it says you have been avoiding it.

For cold days

• Cold outside? Our soup is hot and our welcome is warmer.
• Brrr. Come in for a hot chocolate and a thaw.
• Scarves welcome, frostbite not.

Funny Specials Board Lines

Add a playful line above or below your daily specials to make them stand out.

• Soup of the day: whatever chef was feeling emotional about.
• Our pies are homemade. Our jokes are not, they are much worse.
• Calories do not count on a Friday. That is the rule here.
• Fish and chips: cheaper than therapy and much more crispy.
• Sunday roast so good your nan might ask for the recipe.
• Dessert is just a happy ending for dinner.
• Salad is available. We will not judge you. Much.
• Our burgers are big enough to need their own postcode.

Bar Signs About Beer and Drinks

These lines work well behind the bar, on a home bar wall or next to the taps.

• I have a drink problem: there is only one hand free.
• Half pints are welcome here. So are full stories.
• Ask about our guest ale. It is very polite.
• The guest ale changes weekly. Our bar stools have been here for decades.
• Our ales are real. Our bar staff are also real. Please be nice to them.
• Keep calm and have a half.
• Pints served with a side of good chat.
• Drink water between drinks. Your tomorrow self says thank you.

Quiz Night and Event Chalkboards

Use these to promote quiz nights, live music and special events.

• Quiz night tonight. Bring your brains, leave your phone in your pocket.
• Think you are clever? Prove it on Thursday at 8.
• Quiz tonight. Prizes for winners, sympathy for the rest.
• Live music tonight. Dancing optional, toe tapping compulsory.
• Karaoke Friday: talent not required, enthusiasm essential.
• Match on the big screen. Chanting allowed, crying understood.
• Open mic night: be brave, be loud, be in tune if possible.

Funny Signs for the Beer Garden

Garden signs can be a little sillier, since people are already relaxed and enjoying themselves.

• Beer garden rules: relax, repeat.
• Please do not feed the wasps. They have had enough.
• Sit down, stay a while, soak up some sun.
• This garden is a no-work-email zone.
• Seagulls are not customers. Guard your chips.
• Shade is first come, first served.

Signs for Staff and Behind the Bar

Light-hearted reminders for the team, or gentle messages to customers about good behaviour.

• Please do not wave money at the staff. They can see you. They are pretending not to.
• Tapping on the bar does not make the pint pour faster.
• We are a team: you order, we pour, everybody smiles.
• Be nice to the bar staff. They know where the good crisps are hidden.
• Our staff are humans, not mind readers. Please say what you would like.
• Last orders means last orders. We love you, but we also love our beds.

Signs for Home Bars

Bring a little pub humour home with these signs for your own drinks corner.

• The Kitchen Arms: open when the kettle is not.
• Home bar rules: you pour, you wash.
• Happy hour is whenever the dishes are done.
• This bar runs on good friends and terrible jokes.
• Members only. Membership fee: bring snacks.

Seasonal and Holiday Chalkboard Lines

Refreshing your board for holidays and seasons gives regulars a reason to look every time they pass.

• Christmas: Santa’s sleigh is parked outside. Rudolph is on the soft drinks.
• New Year: New year, same great pies.
• Valentine’s Day: Bring your date. Or your best friend. Or your dog. All love is welcome.
• Pancake Day: Flipping marvellous pancakes all day.
• Easter: Hop in. The bunny already did.
• Bonfire Night: Fireworks outside, warm soup inside.
• Halloween: Our pumpkin soup is spook-tacular.
• Bank holiday: Long weekend, longer lunch.

Holiday boards are also a good place to remind people about booking tables, special opening hours and alcohol-free options for designated drivers.

Tips for Writing Funny Chalkboard Signs

• Keep it short: passers-by give a sign two or three seconds, so put the joke in the largest letters.
• Add useful information: food times, events or the special underneath the joke make the board work harder.
• Use colour sparingly: one or two bright chalk pen colours look clearer than a rainbow.
• Change it often: a fresh line every few days gives regulars a reason to look and share photos.
• Keep it kind: avoid jokes that mock groups of people or celebrate excessive drinking.
• Check spelling: a typo can turn into an accidental joke, and not always a good one.

The Writing Is on the Wall

A funny chalkboard is one of the cheapest and most effective ways to give a pub, cafe or home bar personality. Pick a few favourites from these funny bar signs and chalkboard quotes, add your own local twist, and watch people slow down, smile and step inside.